That story about my bruise is meant to be funny...
But, still, also kind of funny how my whiny-sad tone is not quite distinguishable from my “this is the peak of hilarity because I’m so strange and incompetent” tone. I’ll work on that. Next time maybe I’ll start of with a smiley-face emoticon. :) I’m allergic to exactly one kind of deodorant on this entire sober planet, and that kind of deodorant is obviously...
Don from work invited me to hang out tonight and I...
(Good job socializing with those fellow-employees. Good job being friendly. Good job manners in general. Instead I ended up texting him something about how my amazing brother makes magical omelettes and I am flaky like a croissant. Don’s cool and all, and everyone who works with us is cool and all, but seriously why would I be outside making friends when I could come home to make dinner...
hi: patchwork poem of lines from catcher and... →
telemun2: She said I was wild (59), and by then I was sort of sorry I’d come (7). I told her I loved her and all (125), but that was a sheer lie (16). She had a nice telephone voice, mostly (54), one that made me feel so terrible (157) that I felt like jumping out the window (104). I can’t always pray when I feel like it (99), but I keep thinking about it anyway (105), Honest to God (97). I...
At seven o'clock I am planning to leave to drive...
DO YOU SEE THIS BECAUSE I’LL HAUNT YOU NO GETTING RID OF ME TAKE THAT. Other potentially-important things to note: because of waitressing, my meal schedule is ten thirty, three thirty, and ten thirty. So if any other weirdos get hungry at the wrong times, let me know and we can nosh in tandem. Also I actually have no idea where I’m sleeping so if I can’t get hold of anybody...
AP’s approval of ‘hopefully’ symbolizes larger... →
telemun2: wow u guys now that grammar wars are Mainstream i no sure i conventions want follow any more
kindle issues 101
Bobby: it's just stuck on some god damned photo of like ralph ellison
Bobby: this was never an issue with a normal book
Bobby: i have never tried opening a normal book
Bobby: and it's like the book from hocus pocus
Bobby: "no sorry"
Bobby: a normal book will always open
Girl vs. Whale: The world keeps spinning and yet I... →
girlvswhale: Emotions are not things I concentrate on much. I never have. Crying is never been something acceptable in my life. My mother, until recently, never let me see her cry. I only listened to it through walls and doors, the sound of it drowning under the weight of the shower. My mother always told me she loved me, that she thought I was beautiful and gifted and smart and that I was going...
Sup bros been working lots of days now and I’m pretty good at it, but the bossest boss just told me that Edward and I don’t have to come back in until Tuesday night, so I’ve got a weekend freee! One whole weekend and I’m excited. If only I had money enough for gasoline to visit people. (I might visit people.) (I’ve had three hours of sleep every night this week so I...
Captcha just made me write DufHuk which isn't...
But, like, if all I use facebook for is posting links to people’s walls, does that make me enough of a spam-suspect that you need to implement the Captcha firewall EVERY time? Even in facebook chat? To the best friend I’ve been messaging since the years-ago night I first started using your website? Tsk. At least I’ve somehow totally escaped the notice of whoever’s in...
Noses are the best things.
I spent four minutes searching on this table for my pack of winterfresh gum, which I had referenced in my mental stuff-finding catalog as being geographically here and toward the west side, but I looked all over the place and moved everything around and couldn’t find it. But in the process of moving junk, I lifted up and set down my sweatshirt, and just as I was about to admit defeat and...
Two in the morning and I've just decided to go...
I’m telling you about it so we can all laugh at how this sounds like an awesome idea only to adolescent idiots (potentially a tautology, definitely self-referential), and even then only for a moment. So, yeah, I guess in a way this is simultaneously a note about my weird repressed sense of romance in nature’s reflecting the pensive melancholy of the byronic-hero-type, and about my...
Let's talk about how good I am at job interviews!
I’m so good at job interviews. I might be the best ever at job interviews. In the course of one conversation, I got myself hired, and then he asked “do you have any more questions?” and I got my little brother hired. Edward has a couple months of experience as a restaurant host at the same place I used to be a waitress, but the manager at this current restaurant is skipping all...
I just ate a whole box of girl-scout cookies.
Some of this is bragging, but most of it is...
And, okay, I know every single thing I write that has the name Andrew in it should open with the same warning, but instead, this time, I want to talk about my high school English teacher. Gene Legg is older than my dad, and classy with cufflinks and tassel shoes, and he has perfect aim, and two perfect sons, and he graduated from Harvard (but I don’t know when because he doesn’t talk...
I should have gone to bed while I was still sleepy.– We’re all okay if I turn this into a collection of quotes from my mom, right?
thievesandlords asked: Hey I'm attending Shepherd next year and I was just wondering if there are solid parties and what not?
Spent four minutes searching everywhere for my...
Realized I’d been carrying them around in my teeth the whole time.
Me: Oh by the way Dad, Satan is living in your sink.
Dad: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, totally, he tried to attack me last night- it was terrifying.
Dad: What are the symptoms?
The coolest thing about sleeping in the basement
is that your Dad’s office is right next door to the extra bedroom/storage-room/craft-supply-room/gift-hiding-room/mountain-of-baby-stuff-we-don’t-want-to-throw-away-room/spider-breeding-room/suitcase-stacking-room/smells-like-visiting-grandparents-room/has-no-light-except-a-single-lamp-room/is-less-likely-to-wake-your-mother-when-you-tiptoe-to-it-room, so when he comes home a day...
My house is a house of sneaks.
For the first time in days I decided to do the responsible thing and come upstairs to sleep in my own bed, and- because I was on a roll with being a Good Human Being- here I managed to do it well before four in the morning, even. But my mom sleeps lightly (crickets in the basement frequently keep her up, pulling fistfuls of hair out (figuratively)), so I tiptoed up-almost-all-the-stairs until the...
moonsmoker: Taking place in England the owners of the yard slowly kept adding sections to the contraption so when the squirrel learned one section and got the nuts, they’d add another section. It took over 2 weeks to get to the final product you see in the video. Omfg, what. If I could be that cool.
Kathleen, why did it never occur to you that you could give up ice cream for...– Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
How much do you spend on cigarettes?
I mean on your worst weeks. Because I spend that on ice cream. And it’s probably just as bad for me.
thedesignatedclapper: sometimes i think about the amount of debt that i’ll be in after college and it makes me want to die a little bit so instead of paying them back i’m just going to send a pound of flesh in the mail. Original tag: “or do peace corps same thing” And yes that all quite a lot.
Unusual Words →
wingsforlashes: brontide: the low rumbling of distant thunder. dactylion: the tip of a middle finger. nudiustertian: pertaining to the day before yesterday. gargalesthesia: the sensation caused by tickling. petrichor: the smell of rain on dry ground. dendolatry: worship of trees. lethologica: the inability to recall a precise word for something. ...
My skirt was resting on my laptop charger boxy-thingy.
I am not a Parent qualified to Guidance, but nine...
Mary: I'm scared. This is so scary. I think the Phantom of the Opera is on the roof with them- they went up there to escape but I think he's LOOK, THERE, SEE, THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. He's so close, they're close to the statue he's hiding behind! Oh no! I'm so scared! I can feel my heart beating faster: adrenaline, adrenaline! I think he wants to kill the guy, this is so scary! I'm afraid!
Me: Oh, you poor girl. It's fine. Someone's going to die, and you should just accept it.
Mary: Wait, eew, now they're kissing. Where did the Phantom of the Opera go. They can't be romantic for long. Yes- leave now! Go! Hurry! What did he say?
Me: You will curse the day you did not do all that the Phantom asked of you.
Mary: That better not be the end of the movie.
Me: It's not. It gets sad.
Mary: You've seen it?
Mary: How sad?
Me: Very sad.
Mary: Will you take me to see Avengers with you?
Me: I wish I could, kiddo, but no.
Mary: Why not?
Me: It is way too violent for you.
Mary: I read a middle school series.
Mary: No, seriously, I read Maximum Ride. It's my favorite series. And that is violent, gurrl.
Mary: Lots of black and white. And cream. And brown. Neutral colors, really.
Me: I think it's beautiful.
Mary: Oh yes, very beautiful. This movie must have taken a lot of practicing. And when they hung the man there were probably a lot of ropes, you know, and he didn't actually die.
Mom [enters]: Pizza delivery!
Mom: Pizza delivery!
Mary: Oh you do love me! I have wanted pizza for [wanders away mumbling into the hallway talking about who knows what and nobody can hear but I assume it is pizza-related].
Mom: Is Edward still here?
Movie: [PLAYS THE PHANTOM'S THEME VERY LOUDLY]
Mary [runs back in]: IS THAT THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA?
Mary: IT IS!
Mom: Is that the Phantom of the Opera, Kathleen?
Mary: I KNEW IT!
Mom: I've never seen this movie; only the end of it. Mary, come help.
Victoria: Edward said he didn't want any.
Mom: Are you serious? Mary, please come help.
Mary: I came, but you didn't tell me to do anything!
Mom: What is this doing here?
Mary [still fixated on the television]: Kathleen sits at that spot.
Mom: I thought she sat at Edward's spot last night.
Mary [both hands on hips incredulously]: But tonight she sits at Dad's spot. What's he asking her to do?
Mom: Okay, let's eat, please. It's late; Mary needs to go to bed.
Me: This movie said it was rated PG-13 but I figured she was on her DS and it's a musical and all, so it probably wouldn't traumatize her, but here of course she's fixated.
Mom: Has it been bad?
Me: Mary, has this movie been too gross?
Me: It's not a gross movie, right? Just scary?
Mary: Well, it was gross when he killed the guy and hung him. And it was really gross when people kept kissing. And it was disgusting when they went on stage with their fancy hair done up and their huge poofy skirts.
Victoria: Oh, hey Edward.
Edward: Are you watching a movie?
Further lessons in acceptance:
Sometimes when you open a box of your favorite cereal, you find a bunch of worms inside. This is not actually the end of the world; it only feels as if it must be.
THIS IS A CELEBRATION POST ABOUT THE ENDLESS WAYS...
I wrote that rant about teleportation while my computer was furious with me for refusing to plug it in, and I ignored it, and I did not plug it in, and then AT THE SAME MOMENT (I MEAN SIMULTANEOUSLY, REALLY) as I clicked “Create post” the screen went dark and my guts imploded because I’m a dope and should have expected as much, BUT THEN GOOD JOB DARK MATTER AND RADIO WAVES WELL...
Why can't we teleport yet.
This should’ve come directly after the Industrial Age and as far as I am concerned we are way too unfocused here. Put it on our list of fundraiser-relays. Breast cancer, definitely; AIDS, obviously; teleportation, yeah sure I’ll donate a buck or twenty. Also WHY can’t we put teleport and teleportation into spell-check at least PLEASE COME ON SERIOUSLY it would make the nightly...
winterghosts: ohiowanderer: precums: literally the best commercial I’ve ever seen lol i just teared up like a little bitch oh well omg srsly give me a bucket 4 my creyz If I disappear in seventy three days, find me in England.
and I may watch the world at small: The Unhappy... →
birdish: With each hour rushed the rains until the vessels brimmed, With each moment came the thought I’d soon see him again. You, who fell so far from light by wax wings held to flame You, who rose so high but missed the warning shadow shrink I lived my life in gentle wait Neglecting passions’ burns I promised my staid memory and learned from my felled bird But with the rising of the sea...